Facts about you.

You know what?

I look at your baby's picture every time before I tuck myself in bed because that's the only tangible picture I had for myself. Something about the picture that gives me this certain feeling that I can't encode into any forms.

You give me serenity in my heart. Something that I long before.

When you first introduced me to this song entitled; There For You by The Undeserving, I can't help but most of the time before closing my eyes to sleep, listening to that song. That song..

That song reminds me of who you are. What can you do and what you can promise to me despite that I have no strengths to promise you with such things.

Last night, I listened to that song for almost 10 times and every time it ended, I put it on a replay button. I couldn't help but feel my tears streaming down my face. The song is simple yet deeply beautiful. It's like I saw us in that song. What we've been up to through ups and downs and we're still together, regardless.

Then, while I was still in my grief, you called. I pretended as if I were okay. You were worried and just by that second, you told me you'll be here in Bangi in 5 more minutes.

I was in a total relief. You read my mind. You read my emotions. As if you knew I needed you so much that time.

And do you know that...?

That.. You are the only boyfriend I had that is being approved by most of my friends. Nobody ever told me I was wrong for choosing you. Nobody has ever warned me that you'll affect my life negatively. Not even during the first meeting because they know I've never been any happier with any guys like I'm with you.

You are the only boyfriend that at a certain level, are able to touch the deepest and the softest part in my fragile heart. The one I can all night staring at and feel loved. The one that makes my lips trembled whenever I express my feelings towards you because they're too big and too deep for me to let them out verbally.

I've always been a realistic person. I won't let a fairytale dream comes disrupting my life. I have always thought love and marriage are overrated and way too complicated for a person like me. I don't see guys as the pillars of my strength. I don't cling to them. But with you.. with you. you have proved me wrong. You showed me what I don't believe in and I hate you for that because this time, I am absolutely... wrong.

About the marriage part, I know it is beyond our control but I want to marry you. Yes, I want to marry you. Even if this post is too advanced or the moment you reread it back, you were somebody else's husband, you have to remember that I want(ed) you and the best part is, you are the only guy I talked about marriage in a serious hope.

Despite of what happened before, I still want to see your mom one of these days and thank her for giving birth to you and at the same time answering my long-adjourned prayer.

You know... I tried to change how a pessimist I can be whenever I'm around you. I tried to tell myself I can go on with your continuous courage. I gave up too much along the way. My feelings remain strong but my strength fades.

But then.. when I realized you're walking away. I knew my life will be doomed.

What is wrong with me? For the very first time in my life, I've never been so afraid of losing a guy. What we have is just a relationship. We're still young and and they keep reminding us that there are plenty of fishes in the sea.

And last night, after soothing me up and wiping my tears.

You held me closely and said things that I'll never forget all my life;

"...If only you were my ex either, I still won't deny the fact that you have given me a new level of love that I have never seen or felt before. Only you can show me that. That is why I don't plan or never wanted to let you go"

Now, I know.

I don't want a fish in the sea.

I just want you.

Just you.

Teraniaya.

How can you tell someone is a fool when it is not even written on his/her name tag?

It's like this. I had my second law paper yesterday which is Constitutional Law I. Not trying to brag or bullshitting here, but I've been quite prepared with this paper and I found it more interesting than any other of my law papers. Being so eager to transfer all of these data from my Pentium 2 hard disk onto a paper, a confusion arose.

The instruction on the paper asking us to answer 2 questions where every part is compulsory to be answered and I was confused there. After answering one question from Part B, I put up my hand and asked this one pengawas peperiksaan of whether I should answer two questions straightly from Part B or should I choose another question from Part A to constitute for two answered questions.

She confidently replied. I repeat. She fucking confidently replied;

"Kalau awak dah jawab soalan pertama dalam Part B. Soalan kedua pun amik dr Part B jugakla"

"Betul ke? Tapi kat depan ni cakap semua part wajib dijawab. So saya kena jawab Part A skali la kan?"

"Takla. Dah jawab Part B. Part B jela"

Then I thanked her and she left. Since I've already answered question 3 in Part B, why would I be wasting my time cancelling it off and start with Part A right? Eventhough my heart was screaming to answer that Question 1 of Part A, but I had to resist it.

When everybody was rushing out from the exam hall, after submitting our answered papers, I asked Faelly.

"Fey, which questions did u answer just now"

"Question 1 and 3"

"........."

"Why? "

"That goddamn pengawas told me we should answer both questions from the same part"

I quickly ran to my lecturer whom was busy scrutinizing the papers in front and explained the situation.

Of how I was confused and I did make an effort of asking the pengawas on the instruction given.

I was hoping she could have a speck of sympathy or empathy on me. You know, like that kind of

"I feel sorry for you. Maybe you could do an assignment to back-up your marks" of remark.

But, to my dismay.

"Sape suruh awak tanya dia. Tanyalah saya. Dia bukan tau apa-apa pun. Budak baru habis SPM je tu"

"But.. but.. she's one of the pengawas too. If she doesn't know anything, why she in the first place convinced me. Kenapa dia ckp dia tak sure and I could've asked you instead. At least, I made an effort, Madam. I did not randomly follow my conscience and answered those questions"

"We paid her. But that does not mean she knows everything. You can't expect more in this kind of situation. You should be aware"

"Madam..."

"Sorry. I knew this would've happened but still, I can't help you with that"

"........."

By that time, my tears were already rolling down my cheeks and I was shuddering a little. I left and flounced off to the toilet to wash my face. Trying not to show to everybody of how frustrated I was that time.

Was it my fault totally?

At least, I've shown my effort to clear up things and she confidently convinced me kan?

Back to the raised question.

Macam mana aku nak tau pengawas tu bodoh dan jahil biarpun dia pengawas peperiksaan?

To UKM, are you that desperate to hire someone like that?

Pengawas peperiksaan is supposed to be the one who guides you throughout the grueling hours, not to ruin your CGPA in a split second by her motherfucking assuring answer.

Next time, kalau tahu kau jahil dan bodoh pasal benda macam tu. Cakap je tak tahu.

Jangan berlagak kau dah well-informed.

Takpun kalau tau kau bodoh, pakai name tag sebesar kertas mahjung and gantung kat leher kau saying;

Tawaflah kau lebih daripada 7 kali pun takpe. Afdal sikit. Boleh naik haji double macam kau main dam haji tu.

Puas hati aku.

Kalau aku repeat paper ni, kau orang pertama aku tembak dengan bazooka.

Kalau aku ada kelayakan, on the spot jugak aku boleh relax je and ajak kau pegi foodcourt.

Eh tak... court.

Ze Final seat.

26 Oct

Contracts Law I

29 Oct

Constitutional Law I

31 Oct

Khidmat Masyarakat I

3 Nov

Malaysian Legal System I

5 Nov

Hubungan Etnik

9 Nov

English for Law

Wish me luck, for the most depressing and unreliable 1L :)

Finally, nice guys for keeps.

I have dated bad boys. Been in a couple of relationships with them yet what I have really figured out is, they remain nothing but boys.

BOYS all the way.

Talk about maturity, baby.

Fin.

"Some things, however, are true no matter how hard you might try to block them out, and a lie is always a lie, no matter how prettily told. Some doors, once they’re opened, can never be closed again, just as some trust, once it’s been lost, can never be won back"

- Alice Hoffman

I'm sorry that I once made you lost your trust in me.

I can't live being haunted by the past when you keep on reminding of what I've done.

Let me go, please.

I'm effing serious, this time.

You'll choose your path, and I'll choose mine.